Security - Post 4 today @ 3:47 PM CST - 9/8/16

This is awkward to talk about as a guy.  But Im going to anyway.

Food is sometimes all a mother can give - in place of love.   Sometimes mothers do not have the capacity to make themselves vulnerable enough to show love and affection to their children.  

I love my mother.   She could only give food and things - in lieu of affection and love.   I recognize she is giving what she could when she could.   I know some dont get even food from their mothers - and only get abuse.

But I also feel that not preventing me from working in a building - which always made caused lung and sinus infections - and caused my skin to severely break out - that I would have to go to school that way - qualifies as abuse/neglect.   We were also raised in chaos - a war of screaming and resentment alternating.   We kids were screamed at, emotionally manipulated, and controlled in a home - which was progressively hoarded. 

I love my mother for giving what she could give - food, clean clothes, and at least one sit-down meal a day, often two as we grew up.  She has continued to support me in this way - after my life spiraled downward after my sister's suicide.   I love her for her positivity.   But I also feel she has always treated strangers better than she treated me, has always competed with me - rather than support me in my successes and struggles throughout my life. 

I still love my mother for the good part of her - and for what she has been able to give.   It is not what I most needed - but I do feel she cares in the way that she can.

Because my mother substituted food and things - for love and affection - I have used food when - I needed to remember that love only a mother can give.   When I get down to a certain weight (about 10 lbs above my healthiest weight) - my body and mind resist with everything they have to lose that security - of the extra 10 pounds.   I believe it is not feeling loved by my mother - which wont let me go of it.   I feel that if I lose that - I may not get it back (irrational).  But Im going to keep trying anyway.

Security

(written a few days ago - in case sabotage network stole words from illegal surveillance)

Sometimes it occurs

food is the only thing

to put out the fires

that love left unattended

but food can smother,

stifle, retard the flame

making it burn longer

Its not specific to romantic love

its any needed - that wasn't received

maybe it was there

always standing behind a prizm

smiling

inaccessible

( the romantic love line here - is just an example of a type of love that may not be received in a life - it does not refer to motherly love in any way )